First Thoughts - Serphina Nicolas (Becka)

[Sisip]

viewtopic.php?f=17&p=2168#p2168

First things first:

She needs to go through, add the bolding where we've asked for bolding on the template and check her spelling/capitalization. We're not doing it for her.

Abilities:

Pyrokinetics: II think she needs to choose one or the other. Balls of fire or Knives of fire. Not both. Also, she needs to tell us the size of the balls and the length of the knives, and how long she can keep up the flames.

Thermal kinetics: Needs to tone that down. She can reach vocanic temperatures? Volcano's can reach from 1292 - 1832 f . That's ridiculous for a first-time character. 25 feet diameter around her? That's, again, massive. No go - that's got to be toned down.

Biokinetics: Human Torch that heals her own wounds? No. I don't mind the idea of her being able to withstand heat better than others, but I think she's getting too close to the 'omg I'm a fire magician' thing here.

Weaknesses:

Excessive use weakens her. Really? Who'd of thought that!
Phonic resonances? Does she mean sonic? Or does she really mean... if someone tries to school her on her ABCs she's going to lose concentration? Maybe if they did she wouldn't type so shittily.

She needs better weaknesses. She's a pyro. Logically any type of cold should be crippling to her. Water should make her weak at the knees. These weaknesses need to be worked on.

Background:

"Occupation: archaeoiogist and historian"
Okay, this is misspelled, but these two actually go together.

"Skills: knowledgable in chemical reactions , an anatamy and biophysics and archaeoiogy"
" has knowledge of weapons and their wounds."
"Now she works for the museum of ancient history as a researcher , archaeoiogist and weapons historian."

"she had a normal schooling an excelled far beyond the expectations of her teachers."

Wut? No! She's not a super genius. She's a, POSSIBLY, 21 year old who had problems with the law and a normal schooling life but excelled at .. history.. historical weaponry, weaponry and what appears to be criminal forensics, archaeology, anatomy and biophysics?

No. She needs to pick something and stick with it.

[Goldbolt]

Nitpicks out of the way first. Spelling, grammar, and spaces. Not the worst I've seen, but it's up there. Grave accents instead of apostrophes... ok, I'll let that slide. Capitalizations.

Everything is too smushed, like you said it needs the bold tags and a few line skips.

On to powers. Primary: I'd phrase it as: Pyrokinesis: Seraphina has the ability to create and control fire. She can shape her flames as balls/knives... and then like you said describe the size/range and time limitations.

Secondary: Thermokinesis: Volcano... while descriptive in a pictorial way seems more like she just pulled the hottest thing she could think of out of the air. think a more numerical approach would work better. And yes, the aoe smaller for a first character.

Tertiary: This is not biokinesis. And I understand with the name Phoenix she wants regeneration and possibly resurrection in the future but last time I checked respawners were strictly limited when it comes to secondary and tertiary powers. Regen would be more plausible if she actually -became- fire rather than setting herself alight... and healing another with fire? That is definitely a no go. This is FIRE not magic, she'd burninate them to death!

Weaknesses: Excessive usage? Yea... nopers. Sonics? Disrupting a pyro? That... does not make sense. I mean I put deep bass as one of Shannon's weaknesses because the rumbling disrupts her cohesion. Seraphina here is flesh and blood. She needs a real weakness.

You've said all there is to say about her schooling and intelligence. There is nothing more to add.

[Sisip]

[07:54] <SisipWork> Hey! I wanted to get to you yesterday, but work popped up (funny how that happens, at work - LOL)
[07:56] <SisipWork> I haven't gone through your character sheet yet, but I did see a couple issues that could help us out a lot of they were fixed. We've got a template that we usually use ( viewtopic.php?f=17&t=3 ) which has items bolded and spacing. It also helps keep things looking nice and uniform for the most part. If you could edit your entry to fit into that form I'd love you forever!
[07:57] <SisipWork> Also it would be appreciated if you could run it through an online spell checker. Just to make things easier on us as we read through it. http://www.jspell.com/public-spell-checker.html
[07:58] <becka> np
[07:58] <SisipWork> ^_^ Thanks!
[07:58] <becka> more then willing to help you out

[Sisip]

As a heads up, I've found out she's ESL, which means she's going to have some fairly glaring spelling mistakes / general errors.

If she were born/raised in North America I'd be a little more bothered, but having worked with enough ESLs in my day I think she's doing fairly well!

[Sisip]

Welp.. we JUST approved her electric guy... she hasn't played him a single time.. and she's already app'd another character.

[20:24] <Seraphina> submitted another for reveiw a cryokinetic one
[20:26] <Sisip> I appreciate your enthusiasm, but it would be better for you to play the one you have right now. Just for a while.

She needs to actually RP, instead of just apping character after character.